Negative Self Talk

 I am a powerhouse when it comes to hyping up my friends. I could tell you so many things about all of their many accomplishments. When it comes to me and my own accomplishments, I think of them as just another thing to happen. I think that is why I celebrate my birthdays so hard. You can’t deny it’s a special day because everyone has special days for their birthdays. 

I went into Tuesday being late for work. It definitely didn’t start out the way I wanted it to but I chugged along. I put all of my focus in my work and ended up getting the highest score I have gotten on my comprehensive exam. The day before my actual test. That is a huge celebration. 

I spent the night keeping my joy up. I went into today with a plan. I was going to get coffee and a little morning snack. I would listen to Montel Jordan’s “This is how we do it” to get pumped. I walked into the building saying out loud, “You could not be more prepared. You were so close last time with so little studying. You’ve got this.” I have never once hyped myself up. I don’t believe it when I even try. Today was different. Today I was going to kill it.

I did. I passed. I have never been so happy to see anything on a paper but that “pass” gave me so much happiness. I fucking did it. 

I just finished my second day of therapy with my new therapist. I am still feeling her out and seeing what she can do to help me. She wouldn’t let me say “I don’t know” to my answers and it was a difficult session. We talked about my negative self talk and I spoke up about brief periods of positive thoughts I’ve had seep in. I don’t know how to react to those and normally, I let the negative thoughts outweigh the positive. 

Here’s the thing. On Monday when I was floundering in my feelings, I had one thought about how I got through it. I didn’t die when I was faced with one of my biggest anxieties. I got through it and I’m ok. I like this mentality and I want to keep it up. I passed this test today having struggled through the weekend and still became resilient enough to get done what needed to be done. I feel strong.